[Luck Harris]

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Tawny, continuing her little "therapy sessions" with Luck, made a little blog for him to post some stuff. She then encouraged him to write to "seventeen-year-old him" and tell him things he'd wished he'd known back then. This is the result. She, of course, keeps some tabs on it. Newest entries at top. May be added to when the mood strikes again.

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Letters to 17 Year Old Me

tawnyv.blogspott.com/lettersto17yearoldme

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A Break From Preaching

entry by LUCK HARRIS, August 01, 2024 4:22am

A good friend, the one who is "making" me write these (and who is reading them too), she asked me what I thought you would say or feel about them. And I answered, you would probably scoff. Feel patronized. I said, every time you read "kid", you no doubt seethe. You look at your hands and feel anything but. Then you sit among grown men, where you think you belong already, and you feel like such a child. I know this, because I remember you. And I understand you much better than you do right now. I write "kid" on purpose, as often as I can, because that's what you are at seventeen. Even if you don't see that now. [break][break]

But still, it got me thinking and — I wanted to take a break from the advice, just to say "thanks" instead. Seventeen ain't easy for anyone.[break][break]

You don't have to admit it (because I know you'd try to lie, even to yourself), but I know that something like this... these "notes of wisdom" from a much-older man... you have wanted for it your whole life. Needed it, probably. And I know you have your suspicions already, but.... I'll go ahead and confirm them: we never get or find that. Sorry, kid. [break][break]

But even without them, we make it. We end up right where we are supposed to be (I think). We turn out okay. And you, the you that you are right now, are the one who gets us there. You have help, of course (and I want you to remember that — you won't always be alone). But the coldest and longest nights are right ahead of you, and yes, you face them by yourself. I have warned a lot in these notes about hurting people. But maybe you need to hear that we love a lot of people, too. We do good, too. [break][break]

Don't worry about it, not too much.

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Most of the time, most of what people are feeling around you... actually has very little (if anything) to do with you.

entry by LUCK HARRIS, July 17th, 2024 10:02pm

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Things About Him

entry by LUCK HARRIS, July 15th, 2024 11:16pm

I don't want to spoil things too much. But maybe some heads-up wouldn't go amiss. I'll keep the best parts under wraps. Just a few important notes and some things to keep in mind. I was gonna name "him" in this note... but... no need, really — you figure it out pretty quickly, almost immediately, that he's someone important. You don't need help there. [break][break]

• He will teach you so much. Just by being him. Always be willing to learn.

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• Just because he smiles at you and says it's fine, that doesn't mean it is okay. You still need to apologize. (Please apologize.)

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• Always choose white over red. Not too fruity, not too dry, and sweet but not too sweet. It's a tough balance to find but I think you get it down eventually.

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• You show love your way. Scraping the ice from his windshield in winter. Warming a jacket in the dryer before he goes out or putting his cold hands under your shirt. But... say it, too. Out loud, not just in your head. Bring him a Starbucks drink once or twice a week (even though you don't believe in little treats). Learn how he loves, too. How he sees and feels love. And show him his way as well as yours.

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• It takes a while for you to trust this, but nothing bad happens to you or him when you take his hand in a grocery store. Or sneak a kiss at the movies. You don't have to rush this, he doesn't ask you to, but — you unlearn that shame. And the little hum he makes, warm and quiet, when you lounge across him at a party full of friends, or when you let him lean against you at the park — you'll find it's better than any noise he could make anywhere else (or... almost... hmm, okay, maybe we'll say... just as good).

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• Sometimes, when you ask him what he wants, he will choose what he knows you want. This is okay. Sometimes. But not every time. You can not take advantage of this or expect it. And you should return the favor, too, whenever he asks you what you want.

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• I know this one's a big ask, but try and wake up before him every once in a while.

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• When vacationing, a room with a view/balcony is always worth the extra money. Keep your camera always on the nightstand. Take as many pictures as you can when he isn't ready for them.

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• Remember, even when you aren't getting along (maybe especially when you aren't getting along), he is your best friend. And every argument you work out, you always regret the amount of time it took to get there. Try to resolve things quickly. I know you need time to think, to stew, but never take too long. It is never worth the silence. Turning back around... reopening the very door you just closed... it will be difficult. But do it. Try. Do it the same day, not the next. Seek closure. Do not assume a conversation is done because you are done. Ask him, just ask him, if there is something more he needs to say. Try your best not to talk over him when he says something you don't like. Try not to interrupt. Remember he loves you and he is a person. Not your person. A person.

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• He carries so much for you. Things no one else even knows to see. Try to keep that burden light when and where you can. It is okay to lean on him. Rely on him. It is okay to share weight. That is a part of love. But it can become easy for you to put a lot on him. He makes it easy. He is strong. And he so very rarely complains. But it isn't always fair of you to make him responsible for so much of what you got going on inside you. He can't be the only thing holding you up all the time.

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• Never sleep on the couch when you are mad. You know this hurts him.

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• When you sprain your ankle that last night in Athens, don't skip the museum he's been talking about all day. You promise "next time" and he pretends he isn't disappointed. Suck it up, ice up, and go.

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Staying in one place isn't impossible. Finding people who understand you isn't impossible. Even though no place ever feels quite the same as home, "your people" can be found anywhere and everywhere. You just have to look for them sometimes. And be open to finding them.

entry by LUCK HARRIS, June 27th, 2024 6:54am

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Some Notes about Casual Sex

entry by LUCK HARRIS, June 01, 2024 1:27am

Tips & Tricks #1: The first thing you always want to do and the thing to remember about bra straps is — just kidding! Put down the pencil and paper, you sweaty-palmed, butter-fingered buffoon, there'll be none of those types of notes. I think it's best I left you on your own for that. Learning is half the fun, anyway. (Besides, if I let you in on all the secrets you learn, then you'll probably develop some sort of ego a little too young and you don't need that. Some humility will do you good.) [break][break]

Don't worry about it too much, though. We do fine. [break][break]

Seriously, kid — you have a lot of fun in the next couple of years. With some beautiful women. And some beautiful men (yeah... spoiler: you don't grow out of that! I know you're worried about it now, but don't stress too much — you figure it out.) [break][break]

But when you're a little older, you'll look back and realize most of it wasn't as amazing as you thought it was at the time. You'll realize you hurt some people. And you did some damage to yourself as well. That's a part of growing up, though... making mistakes... and I'm not worried about you. But here's some things I think it'd do good to remember. Some of this, you will learn very quickly (but never quite quick enough). Some of this, you probably won't really understand for a very long while. It's okay. Sometimes you do have to make those mistakes first.

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• Do not sleep with someone simply to feel close to them. It is not a good reason. Do not sleep with someone who wants to harm you. Even if you're okay with it at first. Don't sleep with someone to hurt someone else or when you know it will hurt you later.

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• You will almost always underestimate or overestimate what sex means to someone else. Try your best to understand before you sleep with them. This is just as true for long-term relationships as much as it is for casual ones. It is important to understand what intimacy means, and how important it is, to your partner. So you are not unwittingly causing harm when you ask for it/don't ask for it, initiate/don't initiate, etc. Be honest about what it means to you as well.

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• Do not lie. Okay... maybe you can tell them it was "good" when it wasn't... maybe (don't make a habit of it.) But always be honest about your feelings. What you're feeling, what you're not feeling, what you're looking for, and what you're not looking for. Never lead someone on or make promises you know, even as you make them, you have no intention of following up on. Sex does NOT have to mean anything big, it can JUST be fun... there is no shame in that... but EVERYONE has to be on the same page about it. Do not pretend to feel something when you don't. Always be upfront and always be honest.

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• Even when it is casual, it is okay to love someone. For a night, for a weekend, for a month, for however long. Do not stop yourself from feeling or caring. For wanting to learn about them. Let yourself soften. Do not remain distant or hard. Even when you know it isn't lasting, it is okay to enjoy it completely while it does. It'll make the memories of it a lot more fond than they might be otherwise.

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• Always try to leave things on a good note. Never make things bad just so they end.

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• Sex is never an ANSWER. It is not an end to an argument, a fix to a problem, or a reason to stay. Nor is it something owed anyone. Believe me when I say that. Know it's okay to not want it. Or to change your mind. I mean it. It's important you know and remember that. And it's important your PARTNER knows it, too. Make sure they know that.

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• Even when it's casual, and you're not looking for anything more, it still isn't... "nothing". It SHOULDN'T feel like nothing. More than that, it should never be something destructive to you or to the other person. Never something done with the intent to hurt yourself or someone else. Don't USE anyone and don't let YOURSELF be used. Don't sleep with someone just because you're in a bad place. At no point should you feel it isn't something you want to do. Or that you're not excited to do.

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• No matter who it is with, no matter how long you have known each other or how long you plan to know each other, it should be something shared. Enjoy it. Desiring and being desired is fun, but that's not all it is. It is an act of trust. It is communicating. It is a lot more than you think it is right now. At no point should you feel unsafe or unheard or unable to laugh. If at any point, you (or the other person), isn't 100% into it, then there is no reason to continue.

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• Always be safe. No matter what you think at the time, it is never worth not.

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There are "good" heartaches, too. Don't be afraid to feel that hurt.

entry by LUCK HARRIS, May 28, 2024 11:12pm

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It is no one else's responsibility to open you up. To bang themselves bloody against the walls you erect. You can not expect someone to knock forever. You can not be angry when they don't understand you and eventually stop trying to. You have to let them in. You are not as transparent as you think you are. You are far from it. You have always felt surrounded by only glass. That you've always had to hide everything about you. But, one day, you will learn that you have always been a house with walls and doors and no windows.

entry by LUCK HARRIS, May 17th, 2024 8:09am

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Mom Was Not Your Fault

entry by LUCK HARRIS, April 23, 2024 11:46pm

You are a long way from facing this, I know. But one day, you'll have to accept that nothing could have changed it. Don't dwell on what might have happened, had you come home earlier. Don't think about how life might have looked different for you, had it not happened. Don't remember that moment and that moment only. Don't waste years, wondering if it was stress and work and, by extension, if it was you. She wouldn't want that. [break][break]

And kid, I hate to say it, but it doesn't stop hurting. That ache doesn't go away. You'll wake some days and it'll be the first thing on your mind. You never stop wondering what she would have looked like now. What she would think of you now. If she'd be proud. If you could have taken care of her, let her rest, as an adult. Just remember she's in your blood, she's the reason you are as strong as you are, and think of her and what she'd do, when you feel hopeless. She is that cross around your neck and she's always with you.

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You will figure yourself out. You will have help. If these notes are anything to go off of... obviously, you're still working on a couple of things. But you shouldn't worry so much now.

entry by LUCK HARRIS, April 18th, 2024 7:01am

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look up a recipe for mushroom risotto asap, it will change your life

entry by LUCK HARRIS, March 28th, 2024 3:33pm

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Busch > Coors > Budweiser > Miller

entry by LUCK HARRIS, March 26th, 2024 12:34pm

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